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Dear Jade, My stepdaughter is now 21 years old and my husband won't ask her to move out. I don't think this is setting a good example for our son who is eight. How can I convince my husband to ask his daughter to move on? Katherine HE SAID: Having a place of your own can be very costly. In fact, just having a marginally decent place to live can be quite expensive. Typically, young adults live at home late into their 20’s because of their financial situation, as well as for the support of a nuclear family. Those who choose to live on their own are usually shocked by the amount of hidden expenses they took for granted while living at home. Young adults who moved out typically fall into two categories, they either become successful independent and resourceful adults or return home unable to make ends meet because they are laden with debt. Too often is the case adults, young and old, get themselves into difficult situations in the beginning of their adulthood. If you push too hard, this may potentially result in her making a lifetime of bad decisions and, quite possibly, a lifetime to fix. Yes, setting an example for the younger sibling is important. As a stepmother, and as a family, planning things out with your stepdaughter is equally important. Your stepdaughter may not tell you now, but she will undoubtedly appreciate all your efforts for a lifetime. |
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SHE SAID: On the one hand, 21 is definitely old enough to be out on your own. However, is your stepdaughter contributing in some way to the household? She might not pay rent but does she help around the house? If she is a functioning member of the house, then it's harder to argue kicking her to the curb. Especially if you live in a big city where finding a place to live and paying for it can be very difficult. She does need to learn responsibility and independence but if she does help out however she can, it's not the worst thing in the world. If she's just a freeloader, then you need to tell your husband in the nicest way possible that she really needs to learn to be a responsible adult and live on her own for a while. You can also let him know that he's not kicking her out of the family, just out of your home. BUT MAMA SAID: While your stepdaughter is old enough to live alone, what is the harm in her living with her family? If she is in school or just starting out, it is difficult to be out on your own. Perhaps you could speak with her and see what she is thinking, but do so in a lighthearted way so she doesn't think you are trying to push her away from her father. She may be thinking of striking out on her own as some point; you could offer her some help to smooth the way. Speak with your husband as well and let him know about your concerns for his daughter's independence. |
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