He Said, She Said, but Mama Said

Dear Jade,

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly eight years. During our courtship, he cheated on me once. I forgave him since we both were unhappy at the time, and it was a one night thing. A couple days ago, he asked me to marry him. I told him yes, but now I have second thoughts. I don't think I really forgave him for the affair. I still don't fully trust him. He was weak once, he maybe weak again if there is an opportunity. He is perfect for me except for that part. What should I do? -J

HE SAID:

Two main points why you should not get married: First, you do not forgive him 100%; Secondly, you do not trust him.ćć While your boyfriend is ready to commit, the problem is that you canÍt get over his one-night thing.ć Are you within your right to second-guess his commitment?ć I think so.ć I also think that the two of you have some more work to do before the marriage. Eight years is a long time. It certainly means that you two can stay together without being married.ć If it works, why rush the marriage thing?ć Get to it when you get to it.ć But for now, if you do not feel ńrightî donÍt take the plunge.

SHE SAID:

Many relationships go thru the same predicaments. SO you are not alone. In all fairness, I am only reading one side of this complicated issue and I'm certain that there is more to it than this affair.

Let's back track a bit. You were both unhappy at one point, yes? I would look there first. What were you/him unhappy about? Were those issues ever resolved? Did you just sweep those things under the carpet and just said "I'm sorry honey"? See, it's not the affair that needs forgiveness, it's getting to the real issue(s) that set the stage for the affair. An affair is a traumatic event and these kinds of intense situations tend to bring to the table what needs to be exposed. REAL ISSUES that need resolution.

I'm sure if you look at the events prior to the affair, you will see things clearer, address the right issues and then the road to building trust back will be possible. Until then, have another open dialogue. Try not to let the affair be the focus because it is not a significant relationship or else he would be gone, up poof. The affair was a symptom, not the illness.

Good Luck!

BUT MAMA SAID:

TBD

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